For the first time this year, I am actually a movie behind. I still blame Twin Peaks for losing me the lead I had (damn David Lynch and his magnificently woven drama!) and I now can add The Mary Tyler Moore Show to the list of blame, since I have also been working my way through the 24-episode fourth season over the last week or so, just finally finishing it today. And, finally, I blame the Oscars for being yesterday and taking up all my time with both the boring telecast, and the hours and hours of prepwork that I (and my friends Erika and Parviz) put into the little soirée we put together. For shame, all of you pop culture things that aren't movies for this blog. For shame.
While I was doing this party prep work, two of my brothers were watching a movie that has just recently become known to me: Birdemic: Shock and Terror. It was featured on an episode of The Soup the other night, which showed two different parts of the movie: one featured the worst CGI birds ever, hovering about before dive-bombing buildings and exploding; the other featured "the boardroom scene" which lasts minutes longer than it should, all the time is spent focusing on people clapping. It was atrocious. At one point yesterday I walked into the room where they were watching the movie and caught one line that was so poorly written and delivered that I laughed myself hoarse. I just know I'm in for a treat right now.
The movie starts even less auspiciously than I might have thought, with the several-minute intro shot from inside a moving car, with the background score playing a 50-second track on loop. Oh my God, the main actor doesn't even know how to walk normally. I can already tell that this main actor is likely the worst actor in the film. Which is saying something, because we haven't met anyone else, yet.
He just made a $1 million sale over the phone in about ten seconds. What the hell does he do?
The main female is model? 'Cause that didn't look like a real photoshoot at all.
Yikes, the audio is terrible. Half the people sound like they're in a wind tunnel.
You're not allowed to complain about how hot the weather is when you're wearing a long-sleeved tee under another tee.
This movie is vomitally (sure I just made it up) green: arguments for solar panels, lingering for several seconds on high gas prices, news broadcasts about global warming, etc.
We have the first bird sighting about 30 minutes in. Nothing to do with the title, yet, though.
How did that woman birth that chick as a daughter? Also, that mother figure has some of the exact same advice for her daughter as Claudette in The Room.
The boardroom scene I mentioned in my intro? Worse. I think the main actor had a stroke: he becomes less and less coherent as the movie goes on.
GREEN ALERT: His Mustang's a hybrid? That gets 100 miles to the gallon?
GREEN ALERT: Actual quote: "Man, that was a great movie. An Inconvenient Truth." Horrible syntax AND completely unnecessary.
Nice jump in the scene. More birds, but not Birdemic @ 37 minutes.
Wow, this dialogue is great: "I like traveling. I like to cruise. I like watching television." Hum.
I cannot believe how awful this actor is. Not even an actor. Also, his white-boy-dancing is worse than mine. No kidding.
Why did he take her to a hotel when he owns his own home, with brand new solar panels and everything?
AHHH BIRDEMIC @ 47 minutes in. And they show up unbelievably abruptly, with the most ungodly and unbelievable screeching noises. And they just explode after dive-bombing buildings. Not that we see the aftermath at this point. No, instead, we go back to the hotel room.
I'm guessing they didn't have sex, despite the implication, because not only is Rod (that's the lead) fully clothed, his belt is fastened, too.
Oh. My. God. This movie is so bad. I can't even go on with the blogging. Get your friends together, find a copy of this movie (preferably a free bootleg, because you don't want to pay money for this shit), and prepare to laugh.
Yay! It's the first
Score: 1/10
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